After last week’s near Sherayay-free episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta, I’m proud to report that our favorite divorc�e was back front and center on last night’s show. A local charity fundraiser had called upon Ms. Whitfield to perform in an event called “Dancing Stars of Atlanta,” which afforded the budding thespian a chance to expand her repertoire to beyond the proscenium and onto the ballroom floor. I’m can assuredly report that her footwork was just as expressive as her acting.
Yes, Shere� spent much of the episode plodding around the parquet like a tree-trunk that had suddenly been brought to life (and should there be any confusion as to the dancing skills of anthropomorphized tree-trunks, I imagine that their moves are not impressive — at least beyond the initial shock of seeing a tree-trunk busting a move). Anyway, Sherayay was not the most adept person on the dance floor. To say she had two left feet would be kind. It’s more like she had two left feet and a crutch and a little walker with tennis balls and perhaps a sandbag attached to her ankles. Don’t tell her that though. As far as Shere� was concerned, she was the second coming of Ginger Rogers. Or at least Cheryl Burke.
Not everyone was impressed with Sherayay’s hoofing. A loud, harping ballroom maestro who resembled a gay Gary Busey spent a good chunk of the episode berating Shere� for her lack of emotion. Sadly, his message never got through to Sherayay, who believed that she was every bit the sexy seductress that the rhumba demanded. Not so much. Again, I cite the tree-trunk.
Ultimately, Shere� managed to get through her performance without totally embarrassing herself. Sure it was stiff and dispassionate, but at least she didn’t fall over — an admittedly low standard, but a legitimate one nonetheless. More embarrassing was the paltry $20 that each of her guests (Nene, Kim, Kandi, Cynthia) forked over for the benefit. Seriously, it was tacky. But then again, we’ve never really looked for tasteful acts when it comes to The Real Housewives franchise.
For sure I expected Cynthia and Peter to donate more cash, but I suppose they’re a little cash-strapped now that Peter’s spent a small fortune on Cynthia’s engagement ring. That’s right, the two are finally officially engaged. It all happened in front of our eyes as Peter dropped to one knee and popped the question to his model girlfriend (who IS a model, lest she forgets to remind you in the next three minutes). We’ve seen many engagements on reality TV (including on The Amazing Race last night), but this had to be one of the coldest, least-affected reaction I’ve ever seen. Cynthia seemed more concerned about the state of her fake eyelashes than anything else. Later, she explained her emotions by saying she doesn’t like surprises, especially in front of a group of people (Nene and some other ladies were present for the question), but I wasn’t totally buying it. Okay, maybe Peter should have been more intimate about it, but still, you’d think Cynthia would be able to force out at least one crocodile tear. Or, you know, a smile.
Over in Phaedra land, the preggers lawyer was still mouthing off gibberish, with her choice nonsense this week pertaining to sticking a fifty cent piece on a child’s bellybutton to prevent an “outie” as opposed to an “innie.” I continue to have a hard time believing this woman is actually a lawyer, or more specifically, that she ever acquired a law degree from an accredited institution. I get the feeling she was once gabbing with her girlfriends one day and one of them said, “Oooh, Phaedra! Nothing gets by you! You should be a lawyer. We’re gonna call you lawyer from now on because you are the lawyer of our group!” And from that moment on, she decided she was a lawyer. Just a theory.
At the very least, Bravo owes it to us (and to her probably) to show her in action. With Kandi we get to see her at work, and it makes me respect her that much more. In fact, I kind of love the scenes of Kandi working in the studio. Bravo should do a spin-off that simply follows Kandi as she works with artists and makes songs. It’s totally fascinating. Of course, I’d want to see Kandi working with legitimate talent, not Kim, who’s weekly project took the form of renovating her daughter’s bedroom as well as her own office. That’s right: Kim has an office. What she does in it is a mystery, but what we do know is that the room is cluttered with photos of… Kim. Narcissistic excess would only be an understatement. I mean, it’s ridiculous enough that she has an office, but now it’s filled with gold leaf and self-aggrandizement. Seems a bit much for a room that’s probably only used for occasional bouts of Snood.
Anyway, here’s the photocap:
Aston Martin by Aston Martine�.
Kim: “Honey, you need to get out of mommy’s office. Mommy has things to do in here like… look at pictures of me and, you know, stuff. I’m a busy woman. Now where’s my wine. Brielle! BRIELLE!!! Bring momma her work wine! BRIEEEEELLLE!!!!!”
Peter: “Will you marry me?”
Cynthia: “Um, I don’t even have my eyelashes in.”
“So is that a yes?”
“Hmmm… I think it’s more of an ‘I guess…’”
Cynthia: “How wonderful. I’m totally excited. Not anxious or feelings doubts at all. Toooootally on board with this engagement…”
Phaedra: “Y’all better get ready to see this baby pop out. He only three months old, but he fully developed. And totally conceived after we got married.”
“Y’all need to get me some penis ointment and a fifty cent piece. This baby is ready to come out, and at only six weeks!”
“Do you like this dress? I can’t wait to run from the altar in it!”
Cynthia: “In honor of you Kim, I put on a wig!”
Kim: “That’s so sweet. And in honor of nothing in particular, I wore a whore dress!”
“They all better get ready for some Dance by Dancere�.”
Kim: “Oooh, Kandi! I just got an idea for my next song! ‘The Dance Didn’t Stand a Chance!’”
Nene: “Somebody better get that star off this table before I shove it up Greg’s butt.”
“Um, Sherayay, I know you like this pose, but you’ve been standing like that for thirty seconds. I can’t do all the work.”
Sherayay: “I didn’t win? YOU’VE RUINED MY JOY!!!”
What did you think about the episode? Thoughts on Cynthia’s engagement? How about Kim’s office? Or Phaedra?