dinsdag 23 november 2010

REAL HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: Doctored Situations

Last night’s episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta was all about medical intrigue. On the one hand, we had Phaedra finally giving birth to her oversized preemie (a.k.a her full term baby), and on the other hand, we had Dr. Tiy-E Muhammad explaining the merits of his alleged doctor title. Needless to say, both scenarios left us raising one eyebrow in the most dubious fashion.

The real bulk of the episode pertained to Phaedra, who took her giant lips to some rural former plantation to prepare for the birth of her child. According to her, the kid was only about thirty-two weeks old. According to the doctor, he was actually a full-term forty-week baby. Why the discrepancy? Well, it turns out that Phaedra’s mom runs a strict household — one where pregnancy before marriage is strictly verboten (however, being a total idiot is not). Clearly Phaedra’s been playing dumb to cover up the fact that she done got knocked up before Apollo put a ring on it. This immediately got the creaky gears in my brain moving, and I’ve since formed a new theory: Apollo and Phaedra really just had a one night stand that went awry, and because of this baby, they had to get a shotgun wedding. How else to explain their total lack of chemistry — not to mention the general lack of emotion (perhaps resentment?) that Phaedra displayed when she finally did pop the baby out of her “pocketbook.” Of course, this could all be totally untrue, but don’t act like you didn’t think the same thing.

Nevertheless, we can all take comfort in finally learning the truth about the baby’s age. I mean, it was clear that he hadn’t been “cooking” for just seven months. Even Kim was able to figure that out, and any time Kim can speak as an authority on a subject and we actually believe her, that says something (speaking of Kim and pregnancy, she too got knocked up, and you might be amused to find out who did the deed…).

Over in Sherayay’s world, our favorite fashion designer-cum-ballroom star decided to spend the episode enjoying fun and games. First she brought her kids to a go-kart track to celebrate their school graduations. This proved to be a fun affair — and far more appropriate and realistic than Taylor Armstrong’s ridiculous Mad Hatter tea party in Beverly Hills a few weeks ago. The first surprise was Sherayay’s ex Bob showed up — a bold move considering she’d been talking smack about him for the past two and a half seasons of the show. Heck, she even talked smack about him right there while he was sitting on the other end of the table.

After Bob made his cameo, the group headed out to the track where we got to finally imagine what it would be like if Nene Leakes were a character from Super MarioKart. She actually would fit right in with Mario and Luigi and Princess Peach. The only difference, however, is that instead of saying something like “Here we go!” or “I’m the best!”, she’d probably just spend the entire race screaming “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!” until you want to just grab your Wii and toss it out the window. Yes, Nene did not take to Go-Karting particularly well, which was kind of dumb because if you can drive a normal car, a Go-Kart should be pretty painless.

This did not bode well for Nene’s burgeoning on-air career as an entertainment reporter for the local NBC affiliate. That didn’t stop Nene from trying to impress the brass with her connections to various stars (as well as an obsessive need to interview Tyler Perry). Amusingly, one of the women at the station warned Nene that they didn’t really want a lot of diva air snaps, causing Nene to scoff and ask who the hell does that anyway (cut to season two and Nene doing diva air snaps every single episode during her title card).

Anyway, I’m very excited to see Nene meet the stars, especially if all her interactions are as hilarious as her run-in with Dr. Muhammad. The two encountered each other at Shere�’s house during a random Spades party. Dr. Tiy-E opened his arms to embrace Nene, but she wasn’t about to let him touch her. Instead she tilted over like a teapot short and stout and asked, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?” Translation: “I do know you from somewhere, and you’re a shady-ass motherfucker.”

Turns out that Dr. Muhammad was a fake! SHOCKER! He used to go around Atlanta calling himself the love doctor and a psychologist, but he in fact was neither. It was a major scandal, and he was seemingly rode out of town (or at least the stripe of hair atop his head was). Now he was back and facing a grueling firing squad of Nene, Kandi, Lisa Wu Hartwell (drinks and dialogue indeed), and Cynthia. Not an easy crowd. In no time, the women learned that he was not a psychologist and furthermore, he received his doctorate ONLINE. No disrespect to online institutions, but getting a doctorate from the Internet? No. (At least when you’re passing yourself off as some acclaimed expert).

But then again, if there’s anything we’ve come to expect from Atlanta, it’s that no one is what they say they are and that expertise and professionalism — with the exception of Kandi — is a trait that’s few seem to actually possess. In other words, Dr. Muhammad will fit right in. And hey, maybe Kandi can give him the janky wig Kim gave her earlier in the episode. Honestly, anything’s an improvement over that reverse mohawk…


Kim: “Hey check out that mirror. Do I always look like this?”
Cynthia: “What? Like a woman whose face is about to melt off?”
“No. I mean HOTT!”


“Oh wow. A whore wig. Thanks, Kim!”


Lisa: “I see you’re not carrying the Closet Freak line.”
“I must have forgotten to order it.”
“Bitch.”
“Whore.”


Phaedra: “The doctors have a theory that I’m pregnant, but I don’t know.”


“Apparently I’m giving birth in this room.”
“Well, that IS what happens.”
“I suppose. I mean, the doctors have their theories…”


“Um, Phaedra, now is not a good time to nap.”


“Oh look, it’s a Chinese baby. Funny, I don’t remember having sex with any Chinese men 40 weeks ago when Apollo was out of town and I got drunk at PF Changs and then grabbed a bus boy and took him out back and made love to him and then told myself I would block it completely from my memory.”


Dr. Muhammad: “I got you a gift.”
“Oh really?”
“Just kidding. Can I borrow $5?”


Lisa: “An online doctorate? And you want to work for Hartwell and Associates? I don’t think so.”


Kandi: “Here’s what you should do: take some powdered sugar, rub it on your man parts, lick your hand, and then go jerk-off because Sherayay ain’t banging no fake doctor.”


Nene: “So what do you think?”
[whisper whisper whisper]
“Nene, we’ve thought long and hard about it, and we’ve decided yes, you can have Mr. Nibbles.”
“Mr. who?”
“You did come here to purchase a cat, yes?”
“I thought this was a news station.”
“It is. But to help pay the bills, we sell kittens too.”
“YOU HAVE DONE ME WRONG!”
“Sorry for the misunderstanding.”
“You should be sorry for wasting my time…. but I will take Mr. Nibbles.”


“So, um, I kind of was dropping acid when I bought this outfit.”


“Girl, I cannot believe Kandi wore a crazy yellow shirt also. Furthermore, where the hell is my spades party HELICOPTER??”


Sherayay: “Go-Karting? Why are we Go-Karting? I thought we were doing a royal joust.”


“CHILD, IF I FALL IN THE LAVA IN BOWSER’S CASTLE, SO HELP ME GOD!!!”


“Someone put an oversized chestnut shell on my head, and it is NOT cool.”

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