woensdag 2 maart 2011


The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills aired part one of its reunion special last week, and there were plenty of flare ups for us all to enjoy. Camille and Kyle got into it, and so did Kim and Taylor, but I get the feeling that Bravo is saving the real fireworks for tonight when part II of the reunion finally airs. I can’t wait to see all the girls break down in tears, not to mention the revelation of who Ken has been speaking about in all the previews. Cedric? The guy at the Polo Lounge that punched his buddy? I’m just so darn curious.

Nevertheless, Bravo failed to post any pics from the reunion; so I was once again forced to be creative by using knickknacks I’d found nearby. My dramatic recreation after the jump…

“Hey everyone, it’s meeeee!!! ANDYYYYYY!!!!!”

“We’re coming to you from the beautiful floor of this kitchen! Isn’t this amazing???”

“Anyway, let’s say hi to everyone. Hi Lisa.”

“Hi Andy.”

“Hi Taylor.”

“Hello, Andy.”

“Hi Kyle.”

“Seriously? We’re going to do this with everyone?”

“Hahahaha nice to see you too!!!! lolol!!”

“Hi Adrienne.”

“Ugh. Hi Andy. I lost my tinsel. You know what? Forget it. Forget it.”

“Hi Kim.”

“I… I don’t like confrontation.”

“Hi Camille.”

“That was a little jab. Little jabs…”

“Great… great… Let’s start with a question that has been on EVERYONE’S mind: what’s up with your faces?”

“Apparently I have a big mouth, hahahahaha! OKAY!!! Hahahahah.”

“Would you ever get your lip implants removed?”

“Hahahaha… why?”

“You look a little bit like a duck.”

“Andy. I think you need to learn some manners.”

“And YOU need to stop filling your lips!”

“I wasn’t talking to you, Kim.”

“Well I couldn’t tell that. I’m ten shots deep. You all look like the cloud thing that throws spikes in Super Mario Fellas.”

“Oh great. There she goes again. KIM, STOP DRINKING!”

“Oh dear. I shan’t be enjoying this. So awful that we have to yell at each other like this. But do go on, ladies…”

“Kim, if you come at me again, I’m gonna go Oklahoma on your ass.”

“Th-that sounds violent! And considering how anti-violent you are, I’m surprised to hear that.”

“Don’t bring up my charity.”

“Or else what? You’ll go Oklahoma on me?”

“Please don’t put words in my mouth.”

“Oh I will. And a lot of them too. You could fit a dictionary in there.”

“How about we talk about your mental state in New York.”

“Oh, this is absolutely dreadful, all the fighting. Do go on…”

“Kim, you were WASTED in New York, and you DID NOT STICK UP FOR ME!!”

“I… I don’t like confrontation.”

“You don’t like confrontation? REALLY?”


“Sounds like a confrontation to me, Kim.”

“Little jabs. Just like her sister.”

“Excuse me?”

“I’m sorry. I have A LOT going on in my life. You know, the divorce. Kelsey found a new lover, and now I have to deal with the divorce. It’s… difficult. I don’t know. I’m very busy with sitting around and getting divorced from.”

“We’re all there for Camille.”

“Except for me.”

“And me.”

“And me.”

“Do you see what I have to deal with Andy? It’s very difficult.”

“I had sex THRICE this year.”

“But not with me! Heeeeeeey ladies!”

“Hey! It’s Cedric!”

“Hey everybody. I moved out of chez Lisa because that beeetch doesn’t want me to have a family. Faire du abandonment!“

“Now Cedric, that’s not true.”


“I… I don’t like confrontation.”

“Cedric, you leave Lisa alone otherwise I’ll go OKLAHOMA on your ass!”

“Je ne sais pas ‘Oklahoma on your ass.’”

“Sounds violent to me.”

“It means I’m gonna take you outside and teach you manners.”

“Taylor, please don’t defend me. I find you rather putrid.”

“Hahahahaha. Oh Lisa.”

“Cedric, where are you living now?”

“In a phone booth. Just like my childhood!”

“I often feel like I’m in an emotional phonebooth. I’m getting divorced, you see… It really takes so much time and energy. About 30% more than you might realize, to be specific…”

“Cedric, darling, are you even TRYING to find a new home?”

“Housing market eees tr�s tight. But I found a girl who knows when something is about to open up. It’s like she can see the future.”


“Oh great. The drunk medium.”

“Excuse me, but I am the drunk medium who is portrayed on the popular television series, Medium. KNOW THAT!”

“Does anyone even watch that show?”

“I think it’s wonderful escapism, especially when you’re going through a divorce like I am.”

“Medium? Sounds quite like how I like my men: meaty, yum!”

“Oh you BEETCH! I love you!”

“You’re not moving back!”


“Cedric, don’t you worry. I’m getting a psychic sensation. It looks like a studio is going to open up on Sunset Boulevard and… STANLEY! Oh wait, that’s just a new Chipotle.”

“I can live there.”

“You could… but you won’t. Instead you’ll find a guest house off of Doheny Drive! And furthermore, Kyle, your marriage will still end in shambles. KNOW THAT!”

“No one cares about you, ALLISON DUBOIS!”

“Excuse me, but Allison is my friend, and how rude, how UTTERLY RUDE, for you to come to my dinner party and insult my friend!”

“This isn’t a dinner party, Camille.”

“It is. I’m not delusional, and I DO NOT LIE.”

“Camille. You believe things that did not happen. You are the definition of delusional. Now excuse me, I have a locket of hair and the ashes of my dead mother to commune with.”

“Camille, let’s talk about you for a moment.”


“Hold on! I’m getting a psychic vibe… Camille, they’re gonna talk about you. KNOW THAT!”

“He just SAID that, you idiot.”

“Someday your child will go missing, and I will NOT lend my psychic ability to find him and/or her. Now where is Patricia Arquette, the thespian who plays ME on the television?”

“Camille, these are some of the words the viewers have used to describe you: vain, bitchy, narcissistic, delusional, obnoxious, hideous, rude, fake, phony.”


“Awful. Repugnant. Repulsive. Nauseating. Shallow. Horrendous. Manipulative.”

“That’s tough to hear.”

“Mousy. Vile. Gross. Reminiscent of a quiet fart.”

“You know, I think that–”

“Worse than Hitler, worse than Stalin, worse than a strange alien hybrid of Hitler and Stalin from a parallel universe.”

“It’s hard to hear–”

“Conniving, sly, not unlike a mop come to life.”

“Whorey, suck-tacular, the worst person of all time, and generally unpleasant.”

“Wow. Just that? Hahahahaha.”


“Dumb, horse-like, spoiled, over-the-hill, sinewy, tacky, immature–”

“Okay. Let’s just put this out there: The only one who said these things was Kyle.”


“Yes. I just heard you go down the list.”

“That was Andy.”

“Yeah, that was me.”

“I know what I heard.”





“You just said it.”

“I said ‘insignificant.’”

“No, I said ‘insignificant’ and you said ‘insecure.’”

“I am about to non-violently punch you in the face.”

“I’d like to see you try.”


“Who’s this?”

“Oh, it’s Russell! He’s here to defend my honor!”

“Hey. Just want to say thanks for coming to my wife’s birthday party. She’s really hot.”

“Aw, thanks Russell.”

“You ready to go?”

“We’re still taping the reunion.”

“Okay. I’m gonna go spend the weekend with my Scottsdale mistress then.”

“Hahaha. I love when you joke.”

“See ya.”

“That was awkward.”

“Taylor, sweetie, you shouldn’t let your husband walk all over you like that.”

“He doesn’t. Everything is great. It’s great! Hahahah! Yay! LET’S THROW A $60,000 party!!!!!”

“I just pray your party doesn’t turn out as terribly as mine did! Hahaha!”

“I was off the clock, and y’all made me go ON the clock! KNOW THAT!”

“I wasn’t even invited! I WAS ABANDONED LIKE ALWAYS!!!”

“I’d like to speak now.”

“GASP! It’s the morally corrupt Faye Resnick!”

“For the record, while I did Playboy, Camille did SOFTCORE!”

“I was young!”

“So was I!”

“But I was innocent. You were MORALLY CORRUPT!”

“And you always will be morally corrupt. KNOW THAT!”

“These words are so beeeeeg.”

“Oh Cedric. You poor dullard.”

“Yay! I can move back now?”

“I’m afraid not.”

“I hope you choke on ESCARGOT!”

“You can live with me, Cedric.”

“I would allow you to stay with me, but my house is too small. Of course, it wasn’t my original house. KYLE stole that from me years ago!”

“You’re such a fucking LIAR, Camille!”

“Excuse me?”

“Sorry. Force of habit.”

“Hey guys. Check it out. New tinsel.”


“The morally corrupt Faye Resnick likes it. I guess it MUST be good.”

“Faye has no moral compass. KNOW THAT!”

“Now where the hell is my fake cigarette?”

“I… I don’t like confrontation.”

“Well, if it makes you feel any better, Mom died WORRYING ABOUT YOU!!!!”

“Tinsel, anyone?”

“Whoa. Things are getting heated over here. Let’s take a break. Part II of our reunion coming up later!”

What did you think about the reunion?

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